5: The Root of the Problem

Donnie thinks he can charge in and sleuth out the root of the problem, but the swamp in Uncle Rowan's living room has other plans for the series finale.

Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his summer nanny set out to play private investigator and instead stumble into a real mystery: a supernatural palm plant.

The writers will release a bonus episode next week, on Tuesday, September 1.

This is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown:

• Starring Dave Cutler (Donnie, Rowan) and Katie Cutler (Lex)
• Written by Emily Donovan and Benjamin Kerns
• Music by Dylan Burchett

Find out more about us at our website here.

Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.

Transcript

EXT. UNCLE ROWAN’S HOUSE – mid-afternoon

LEX is chasing after DONNIE, who is running towards Uncle Rowan’s house. ROWAN is standing nearby, dazed.

Lex

Donnie! Step away from the culprit. Oh Jesus. Donnie!

Donnie

No! Lex, we have to do something! We have to save the house! Donald August caused this problem, and he’s going to fix it. Give me that recorder. 

DONNIE grabs the recorder from LEX and dashes towards the house.

Lex

Hey! Donnie, no! Do not go in there!

Rowan

Alexa? Donnie? Why is Donnie going inside? Donnie! It’s not safe in there! DONNIE!

INT. ROWAN’S HOUSE – MID-AFTERNOON

DONNIE rips open the door, which clatters, and he runs into the house.

Donnie

(Detective voice) 

Donald August entered the perp’s hideout and found that at this point it would be more accurate to say that the hideout swallowed the perp... He would have to scrap his way through a sea of moss and needles to even get through to where the couch once was. What would compel a tree to stand this tall? Sure, everybody wants to get up the next rung, but who wants to jump over the whole ladder?

The door opens again. LEX and ROWAN rush in.

Lex

Donnie! Ow, wow, this stuff is hard to walk around. 

Rowan

I think that’s a myrtle oak. Watch out for the yucca behind you – it scratched my legs up earlier. I wasn’t expecting to trek through the Everglades when I put on shorts today.

Lex

Donnie, what are you even going to do?

Donnie

It’s easy Lex! It’s all because of this palm plant! We just have to get to the root of the problem. The root!

Lex

Donnie! A pun and a solution aren’t the same thing!

Rowan

Donald August Mund, stop! It’s dangerous in here, the foundation is sinking more the more you move. We need to leave now.

Lex

I didn’t want to have to do this, but as your summer nanny, I demand that you submit to my authority and get over here right now – please! Donnie?

Donnie

Uncle Rowan, Lex, this is the season finale, don’t you see? We’ve gotten ourselves deep in trouble, but there’s no problem that we can’t sleuth our way out of if we just – 

Lex

Donnie, that root! You’re going to trip if you keep running inside – aaand there he goes.

DONNIE tries to run deeper into the house, but trips, hurting his ankle. He yells. The recorder falls out of his hands, and the remaining seeds fall out of his trench coat pocket.

Donnie

Owwwww! That isn’t supposed to happen! This is supposed to be the season finale! Donald August was going to... I’m gonna... but we have to... if we don’t then Uncle Rowan’s house...

Donnie begins to cry.

Rowan

Donald August. Donnie. Hold still, let me look at it.

Lex

Ooh his ankle does not look –

Rowan

I’m going to pick you up now, OK, Donnie? Just like when you were little. Try not to move, OK?

Rowan picks up and hugs Donnie. He hushes him as they walk out.

Rowan (cont’d)

I know, I know. It’s OK, little man. Look, I’m OK. You’re OK. I got you. I’m right here. Let’s go back the way we came in. Miss Alexa, he dropped his recorder. And it looks like something fell out of his trench coat when he fell.

Lex

I got the recorder but – oh that’s a lot of seeds on the ground.

Donnie pats his pocket. It’s empty.

Donnie

It’s all of them! All of the seeds fell out. You’ll never be able to find all of them in between all the vines and stuff. Oh, now Uncle Rowan’s house is extra destroyed.

Rowan carries Donnie out of the house. Lex follows.

Ext. Rowan’s house – mid-afternoon

Rowan

Hey. Hey. Look at me. Hey. I’m still here.

Donnie

But, but, your house...

Rowan

My house was already something of a “rundown joint” anyway.

Donnie

But it was yours.

Rowan

And now it’s the swamp’s. I can find another place to live, it’s 

(mobster voice)

No big deal, boss. You leave it to me.

(normal)

I promise. So long as we’re safe, that’s all that matters.

Donnie

(Cheering up a bit) 

But your flat screen TV...

Rowan

(He hadn’t thought about that) 

Oh. Yeah. Well, I’ll be honest, that one stings a little bit. But it’s only a thing. It can be replaced.

Lex

Uh, Mr. Mund, Donnie. I really don’t want to break up the moment here, but I think we should back away from the house. Tree? Tree house? It might be huge, but based on what we’ve seen, that doesn’t mean it’s done growing yet – and who knows what those other seeds are capable of.

Rowan

Did you two... have something to do with this swamp in my living room?

LEX and DONNIE exchange a look.

Lex

Um. Mr. Mund, sir, what kind of insurance do you have?

Rowan

Not... anything specifically covering swamps in my living room.

Donnie

Ooh, my ankle! O for shame

Lex

Oh wow, is that tree getting taller? We better run to the curb.

The three go back to the curb.

Rowan

Donnie, I’m going to put you down now. Can you stand?

Donnie

Sort of, my ankle really hurts.

Lex

It’s already kind of swollen. And kind of blue. Maybe we should all just sit down for now. 

Rowan

I need to call my – I don’t actually know. My insurance guy, probably. I guess the police? I should certainly call my sister.

Donnie

Oh no not my mom!

Donnie’s mom will probably be so pissed that DONNIE was in danger. ROWAN and LEX are both afraid of being blamed.

Rowan

Ah. I’ll do her last.

Lex

I– um. I can watch Donnie while you go make your calls.

ROWAN walks a few yards away to call.

Lex (cont’d)

Jesus Donnie. You really scared me back there.

Donnie

Why? Cause if I die you don’t get paid?

Lex

No! Because if you died it would really suck.

Donnie

You don’t really care! You said that I’m mean!

LEX sighs.

Lex

Donnie. Listen. People can love mean people. But you aren’t mean. I mean, you can be mean, you’ve definitely been mean, but that doesn’t mean that you are mean. You know what I mean?

Donnie

Uh...

Lex

That probably wasn’t the best way to phrase it. Look. What I was trying to say with the librarian is that sometimes you get caught up in what you’re doing, and you don’t really listen to what other people are saying or what they want.

Donnie

What do you mean? I’m Donald August! All I do is observe, and listening is just another form of observation.

Lex

See, that’s what I mean. You’re caught up in being Donald August, and there’s all these rules you have to follow when you’re Donald August, and you expect everyone around you to follow the rules too. But that’s not fair, Donnie. Not everyone knows the rules. And definitely not everyone agreed to the rules.

Donnie

But you know them! You figured them out right away!

Lex

Yeah, maybe I did, but that’s because I listened to you, and if you don’t want people to think you’re mean, then you need to listen to them too.

Donnie

All right, all right! I get it. Listen. I’m listening. 

A silence. DONNIE is “listening.”

LEX sighs.

Lex

You can still talk too. Just listen to people and talk to them.

Donnie

OK, phew. And... I’m sorry. Lex. I’m sorry that I made you my assistant in a game you didn’t want to play in the first place.

Lex

Well, it ended up being pretty fun, but also terrifying. I think we can call it even.

Donnie

(Detective voice) 

I do have one final request of you as my assistant.

Lex

Jesus... what is it Donnie?

Donnie

That you accept a promotion.

Lex

What?

Donnie

Well, it’s clear that you’ve gone above and beyond the duties of a private investigator’s assistant. You were the one that was literally driving the investigation for the last few days. I think it’s time you took 

(grand intonation) 

The Oath.

Lex

(lacking said intonation) 

Another assistant’s oath?

Donnie

No! The Oath. If you can’t even take The Oath seriously then you’re going to run into some serious trouble as an investigator down the line.

Lex

The Oath, huh? What do I need to do?

Donnie

Well, for starters, you’re going to have to repeat after me.

Lex

I have to repeat after you?

Donnie

Not that part. OK. Starting now.

Lex

OK...

Donnie

I swear, on my honor and my blood

Lex

(totally flat, like the pledge of allegiance in schools) 

I swear on my honor and my blood.

Donnie

Patience Donald August, she’s a wild card, always has been, it’s why she’ll be fundamental in solving future mysteries. It’s not up to you how she does the oath. 

(To Lex, slower) 

I swear, on my honor and my blood.

Lex

(over-the-top fast newscaster voice:) 

I swear, on my honor and my blood.

Donnie

To uphold the code of the private investigator.

Lex

To uphold the code of the private investigator.

Donnie

To find mysteries, not make them.

Lex

To find mysteries, not make them.

Donnie

And to look at the world with new eyes every day.

LEX is a little touched by this last one.

Lex

(normal voice)

And to look at the world with new eyes every day.

ROWAN returns from his calls partway through this conversation. He lets them finish because he is a good father figure who can recognize when a kid is having a growth moment and can let him do that even if he is also dealing with a problem.

Donnie

Great! You’re in. You’re a P.I.

Lex

Am I supposed to feel any different?

Donnie

No. You were as good as a real P.I. the whole time.

Lex

Aw, Donnie. 

LEX clears her throat.

LEX (cont’d)

Donald August, I mean.

This is the first time LEX has called Donnie by his P.I. name.

Donnie

Aw, Lex. Alexa? Madame L? Big L?

Lex

I’ll stick with “Lex,” thanks.

Rowan

Donnie, why didn’t you ever have me take The Oath?

Donnie

I mean, I guess you can if you want, Uncle Rowan, but I won’t lie. I see you in more in a sort of chief or dispatch role if you can’t be the bartender anymore.

Rowan

(mobster voice)

Well it looks like I’ve got a office to deploy ya to already.

(normal)

I called Dr. Eidelman. 

Lex

Dr. Eidelman?

Rowan

Donnie’s pediatrician. She said she had been surprised you hadn’t had any accidents for so long. Your ankle looks like it’s sprained to me, but you still need to go in to get it examined.

Donnie

Yay! Dr. Eidelman loves hearing about my P.I. work.

Rowan

I have to stay here and try to explain everything to the police. So your mother is leaving work early to take you to Dr. Eiderman.

Donnie

Oh no. Did she sound mad?

Rowan

Well... Donnie, I recommend you milk the injury thing. And Lex, I think you might want to head out before she gets here.

Lex

Yes. Yes I do.

Rowan

And Donnie. It may be for the best if you turn that recorder off. You won’t want to play this part back for fun. 

Int. Donnie and Uncle Rowan’s house - morning

Two weeks later. 

Rowan

All right, boss. That looks like Lex’s car pulling into the parking lot.

Donnie

Lex! Lex! Lex!

ROWAN laughs.

Rowan

Can’t wait to get rid of me, huh?

Donnie

No, but I can’t wait for you to play golf with your buddies. We both get to see friends! I mean – our other friends. You’re still my best friend, Uncle Rowan.

Rowan

I’m flattered, Donnie, but it’s like your friend Evelyn said when she was here the other day. “Best friend” is a tier, not one person.

Lex

Hi, Mr. Mund. Cool tie. I’m glad to see you’re all moved in. 

Rowan

After the whole “the swamp repossessed my house and everything in it” fiasco, there wasn’t that much I had to move. It’s a good thing Donnie had such a stockpile of my spare things here.

Lex

Right. Have you, uh, been back to visit?

Rowan

Not since the paperwork went through.

Lex

What paperwork?

Rowan

You didn’t know? Donnie told me your aunt worked at the state environmental protection department, and that they had already declared the library a nature preservation. I called her last week, and the state made my house an official nature preserve. There was a lot of paperwork with the HOA, since it’s right in the middle of where they were planning to build a mall.

Donnie

No Applebee’s for us! No settling for flavorless food!

Rowan

That’s right, Donnie. No flavorless food for us. Oh, that reminds me. I need to put our cereal bowls in the dishwasher before I go.

Lex

Hi Donnie! Whoa, are you still investigating despite doctor’s orders? You’re still recording.

Donnie

(Detective voice) 

Crime doesn’t stop just because I’m on crutches. But crime does sit down to talk with me now, because it’s hard to hold the recorder and the crutches at the same time. 

(kid voice) 

Also it’s just fun to record things.

Rowan

We can’t get him to stop. He negotiated an extra hour of screen time per day out of his mother if he promised to record her less.

Lex

Did he record something she didn’t want him to?

Rowan

He pointed out how much she curses and used the recordings as evidence. I thought it was hilarious, but then he did the same thing with me. We’re cleaning up our language now, but we realized it might not be the best if there’s a complete record of everything we say.

Donnie

Evie and me were playing Abolish Corporate Power by Using the Court System and she told me how to properly use evidence. She also said that the game is really more of a fantasy, and that revolution is more practical way for people like us to gain power, but that it’s fun to play pretend.

Rowan

I like that girl. She’s a little scary, but I like her.

Lex

Wait. Evie was here?

Donnie

Sure Lex, you’re not my only friend.

Lex

Watch it bud. Who’s to say that I’m not only here to collect a check from your mom?

Donnie

The fact that you called her to ask if there were any upcoming days you’d need to babysit and then when she said no you volunteered to do it for half price.

Lex

(slightly embarrassed) 

Well, I guess... How did you know that?

Donnie

An investigator is always listening, you should know that by now.

ROWAN laughs.

Rowan

I’ll leave you kids to your work. Don’t kill each other while I’m gone, I’d never hear the end of it.

(simultaneously)

Lex

Bye Mr. Mund!

Donnie

Bye Uncle Rowan!

Sound of door opening and closing.

Lex

Alright Donald August, what’s on the docket for today? Mysterious figures exchanging envelopes in the night? Underground ring of exotic animal smugglers? Or is it finally time we get to those aliens I’ve been trying to tell you about.

Donnie

(kid voice, serious) 

I’ve told you before Lex. No aliens.

Lex

Alright, Alright. But still. What mystery awaits us?

Donnie

Well, I was thinking, and we don’t have to if you don’t want to, but since I have the crutches, which are basically extra feet, I was thinking that maybe we could be centaurs?

Lex

Centaurs? Like in the –

Donnie

Like in The Evergrace series! I read the first, and second and third and fourth books in one week. And they’re really good! Like really good. I mean, in book two when Thorough Fang finds out that the Emerald army is actually approaching from the South, and that what her scouts saw was just a Machinist projection–

Lex

And then she realizes that the only way to protect her people is to destroy the Crystal Gate even though it means she and her family will be shunned from the Free Pastures forever! I KNOW!! It’s so good, right!?

Donnie

It might actually be one of the best things I’ve ever read.

LEX is deeply touched.

Lex

Of course we can be centaurs. I’ll let you in on a secret.

Donnie

What?

Lex

When we were investigating, there was a part of me that was thinking I was like a centaur then too.

Donnie

No wonder you were so quick on your feet! You had four of them. 

(Detective voice) 

It’s all starting to come together.

Lex

Are we still going to be investigating something as centaurs?

Donnie

(Detective voice) 

I don’t know, maybe. Probably not. It’s really more that this is the only voice I know how to do.

(kid voice)

Oh. Lex. Um, since the summer is almost over. It’s your recorder.

Lex

Oh. Uh. Ya know, that’s OK, Donnie. I think you should keep it for now.

Donnie

But I might never see you again!

Lex

You’ll be a freshman next year after 8th grade. I’ll be a senior. You can give it back to me at school before I graduate.

Donnie

Does this mean we might get to investigate mysteries or play centaurs at school?

Lex

At school? No way. That’s a neiiiiigh-gative.

Donnie

What? Why not?

Lex

You’ll have to figure that mystery out on your own, Donald August.

END