Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers
3: Plotting Under the Couch
Donnie spent the morning at his "usual joint" (his Uncle Rowan's house) – but is there a darker reason why he's drinking Capri Sun before noon? Perhaps a reason that's... plotting under the couch?
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his summer nanny set out to play private investigator and instead stumble into a supernatural – and sinister – palm plant.
Episode 4 will come out on Tuesday, August 18, and the finale, episode 5, will come out on Tuesday the 25th.
This is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown:
- Starring Dave Cutler (Donnie, Rowan) and Katie Cutler (Lex)
- Written by Emily Donovan and Benjamin Kerns
- Music by Dylan Burchett
Find out more about us here.
Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.
INT. rowan’s kitchen – late morning
DONNIE is sitting at the “bar” (Rowan’s kitchen island) doing his detective character.
Donnie
The case was tough. Two days ago, a plant was just another inch-high bottom feeder, trying to suck up the sunlight so he could escape the concrete crack he was born in. Then he picked up a few inches, got a bit of a following, got my attention, but that’s no big deal. One more tough guy in a world of tough guys. Everyone was getting a few inches taller in those days, kids from school shooting up like the skyscrapers they wanted to take over. And then yesterday, I picked up a book, and the plant picked up an extra foot.
DONNIE slurps through a straw.
Donnie (cont’d)
This morning when Mom walked me over to Uncle Rowan’s broke-down joint, it was as tall as me. This case was bigger than me. Well, not yet, but it probably will be by the next time I stand next to it and measure. My season finale perp was plotting something, something bigger than could fit in his ... plot. And it had to do with these suspects. Seeds, my assistant said. Plant seeds. But if the suspects in my pocket were just seeds, what were they doing sprouting legs?
Rowan
(doing his mobster voice)
Tough morning at the office, Donald August?
DONNIE panics and hides the seed. He wants to solve the case himself, no adults.
Donnie
Uncle Rowan! It’s nothing. What? Just some pocket lint. Kid stuff. Nothing to see.
Rowan
I know I’m cooking lunch, but I thought we were doing our detective-bartender thing.
Donnie
No, we are. That was good, Uncle Rowan. Say it again.
Rowan
All right. You ready?
Donnie
Yes. Wait. Do “on the case.”
Rowan
What?
Donnie
“Tough morning on the case.”
Rowan
Ah, all right. ... Tough morning on the case, Donald August?
Donnie
Is it that obvious?
Rowan
You been at my bar 10 minutes, it’s barely noon, you’re asking for your second Capri Sun.
Donnie
A private investigator has to stay loose. Make connections that other people miss. What’s a Capri Sun or two to loosen up a P.I.’s brain?
Rowan
Two before lunch, you’ll be flopping around looser than these hotdogs.
Donnie
Here.
DONNIE blows through the straw to puff the empty Capri Sun packet back out.
Donnie (cont’d)
Here’s our cover. The first pouch is still full. No one else has to know what it’s full of is air.
Rowan
That’s all you hot shot detectives are. Hot air.
(dropping the act)
Really, Donald, your mother said no more double Capri Sun lunches. The sugar winds you up all afternoon.
Donnie
Come on, Uncle Rowan. We can’t play our “usual place” bartender game if you don’t serve me a round on the house.
Rowan
OK, boss. Since you’re such a regular. I cooked something up for you. Special glass and all. Here.
ROWAN pours DONNIE a glass of milk in a martini glass.
Rowan (cont’d)
White Russian. Hold the Russian.
Donnie
Ah. The hard stuff. Today calls for it.
(kid)
Wait, this is almond milk, right? ‘Cause Mom thinks I’m lactose intolerant.
Rowan
(dropping the act)
Lactaid. Tastes like normal milk, but no lactose. Got it special for you.
Donnie
Cool. I like the Cold Observer glass.
Rowan
Thank you, Donald. I wasn’t going to have a martini before 5, so I thought you might as well use the glass. You know Alexa is picking you up after we eat?
Donnie
Yes, Uncle Rowan.
Rowan
She reminded me of myself. When your mother texted her to ask if she wanted the morning off, she accepted
(mobster voice)
as fast as a perp fleeing the scene.
(dropping the act)
When I was a teenager, I was up late every summer night with my friends, sleeping in until the afternoon.
Donnie
Lex probably got up extra early to swipe.
Rowan
Swipe? Is that–
Donnie
Yeah, she swipes all day.
Rowan
Don’t you have to be 18 to, uh, swipe?
DONNIE still does not catch the Tinder connotation of “swiping.” He assumes Lex’s ebooks must be rated R or something.
Donnie
The Cold Observer TV show is rated MA, but I still watch it.
Rowan
Well. Can Miss Alexa
(mobster voice)
handle herself around a mystery?
Donnie
Yeah, Lex is cool. We’re solving a case together.
(back to detective)
A tough case. With lots of intrigue.
Rowan
You got a big case, what are you doing here? Not that you’re not welcome. I’m always happy to spend the morning with you, Donald.
Donnie
The Cold Observer says that sometimes the thoughts waiting for him at the bottom of a glass make the most sense. Plus, the ambiance.
Rowan
I knew you liked my house.
Donnie
Yeah, it’s perfect! Real private investigator offices are always run down.
Rowan
Run down?
Donnie
The living room has signature stench. You basically have to know the secret code to get the toilet to flush. And you let me leave my stuff out for as long as I want! It’s a total joint.
Rowan
Well I–
Donnie
Oh, and it’s cool how if you drop a ball in the kitchen, it always rolls to the same corner.
Rowan
The foundation has been slipping... I guess the swamp wants to take the joint too.
Donnie
The swamp wants to take the joint “too”? What do you mean too?
Rowan
Oh.
ROWAN shouldn’t have said anything – DONNIE always gets carried away with fantasies.
Rowan (cont’d)
Some developers want to build a strip mall. Don’t worry about it, little boss. It’s adult stuff.
Donnie
Donald August, P.I., is an adult.
Rowan
You’re right. You can handle it. OK. The HOA has to vote on it, but since this is a vacation home for most of my neighbors, the majority might vote to sell if the money is right. I don’t know. I can live anywhere, so long as I’m close to you and your mother. I’m not worried about me – I’m worried about you. Next door to an Applebee’s is no place for a kid to grow up.
Donnie
Because of the cheese dip.
Rowan
Queso should have flavor, Donald. I may be retired, but I’m still a man! There’s no culture at Applebee’s. Promise me you’ll never settle like that.
Donnie
(this is a promise he’s had to recite a lot)
I promise I’ll never settle for flavorless food.
Rowan
Good. Now, the hot dogs are done boiling. I’ll get the sauces out. Put your detective things away so they don’t get dirty while we eat.
The recording blips off.
INT. rowan’s living room – mid-day
Donnie
Now, the real reason I spent the morning at Uncle Rowan’s house. Yesterday, I left a suspect here under the couch. Solitary always makes ‘em talk. Enough time spent alone with your thoughts will crack even the toughest nut, or in this case, seed. Rowan’s living room was the darkest place I knew. He barely ever remembers to open the blinds and let the sun in during the day. I thought under the couch would be the best worst place for a seed to get all of its glowing in the dark out of its system. So just now I made sure to make an extra big mess in the kitchen pretending to help clean. How was I supposed to know that the water in the hot dog package can’t be used in the same way as the water that comes out of the faucet? The smell alone should keep the bartender occupied in the kitchen for long enough to conduct my own interrogation. OK. I pushed the couch in 3, 2, 1.
A “scratch” as DONNIE pushes the couch back along the tile floor.
Donnie (cont’d)
(kid)
Oh. Oh my god? OK, OK. OK.
(detective)
The suspect has taken ... root? It broke through the tile floor and ... pushed apart the concrete to get down to the ground below the house. It has not yet budded, but it is green in color and –
DONNIE reaches out to touch the sprout, but he pricks his finger on it.
Donnie (cont’d)
Ow! Hostile in nature. At least when touched. That was so spikey...
Rowan
(from the other room)
Donald, how did you get hot sauce on the toaster?
Donnie
(kid calling back to him)
I was spicing things up.
(detective)
This was it, it was the break in the case that I needed, even if I wasn’t fully sure of what the break means, but oh boy this definitely means something. I had it all to myself in my uncle’s living room. This case was really heating up, much like the now spicy toaster, and I couldn’t let anyone – not Uncle Rowan, not the police, not the Cold Observer himself – steal it away from me. But wait. If this is what a seed was capable in the dark, then what horrors could a seed with all the resources it needed be capable of? Evie dropped a seed in the library right in the sun. Oh, the case was on!
Rowan
The worst part is that once I got the hot sauce off, I realized the spot that I just cleaned is a different color than the rest of it.
Donnie
(kid calling back to him)
Mom says cleaning is therapeutic.
Rowan
I’ll do my therapy after you leave. Just one more thing in here and I’ll come in to spend time with you.
Donnie (cont’d)
Uh-oh. I had to act fast if I wanted to keep the adults from finding my clue under the couch. Aaah I– I’ll push the couch back and put the perp back into solitary.
DONNIE races to put the living room back in order. Another “scratch” as he pushes the couch back.
Donnie
No rush, Uncle Rowan!
ROWAN enters the living room.
Rowan
It’s kind of dark in here, isn’t it? I always mean to open the blinds.
Donnie
Wait, ah, maybe it’s safer in the dark.
A “squee” as ROWAN opens the blinds in the living room.
ROWAN
You don’t have to say that for my sake, Donald. I know it’s brighter and happier in here with the blinds open.
ROWAN sits on the couch
Rowan (cont’d)
(doing his mobster voice)
OK, boss, what do you wanna know?
Donnie
Um. Do you always sit on that couch?
Rowan
‘Ey, my exercise routine is my business. But I’ll have you know I golf with the boys from the dock at least once a week. Or I did until Richard tripped on the back 9 a few weeks ago.
Donnie
Your friend got hurt playing golf?
Rowan
It wasn’t his fault. Normally, courses are green and rolling, flat sky, same kind of grass all the way throughout, no little critters to jump out at you. It takes a lot of manpower to fight back the flora and fauna of the Everglades on the west side of Wellington. That’s what you’re really paying for with a club membership. But they missed a palm tree root.
Donnie
What happened to Richard?
Rowan
Tripped on a palm tree root. He messed up his hip something bad. Young for hip trouble, you know. Can’t walk for six weeks or anything. Oh, he’s living like a king, Donald. His wife and kids are taking care of him. Bringing him sparkling water and burgers. There are some perks to living with family.
Donnie
So did you hunt down the perp?
Rowan
What perp?
Donnie
The palm tree root!
Rowan
It’s just a tree.
Donnie
It hurt your friend.
ROWAN pauses. He knows that he is giving fatherly advice to Donnie here and he takes that responsibility seriously.
Rowan
Sometimes things can hurt you without meaning to. They’re just not even thinking about you. You’re not on their radar.
A “ding-dong” as Rowan’s doorbell rings. Then another “ding-dong.”
Lex
Sorry! The button got stuck.
Rowan
I’ve been meaning to fix that.
Donnie
It’s a good thing my assistant is on time today.
Rowan
I thought you said she was a big rule-follower?
Donnie
(kid)
She’s always on time.
DONNIE opens the front door. LEX is there, and she is dazed.
Donnie (cont’d)
Lex, it’s as tall as me now!
Lex
I... saw.
Donnie
We have to hurry or else this case is going to get big enough for the both of us!
Lex
Donnie. Did you ask your uncle if maybe there was a different explanation? Like, maybe his property manager just replaced the baby saw palm from yesterday with another, larger, otherwise identical saw palm?
Donnie
Uncle Rowan doesn’t have a property manager. It would interfere with his place being a run-down joint.
Lex
“Run-down joint”? Whoa, Donnie. I know the plant thing is ... exciting and all, but some of us have to think about how our words might make other people feel.
Donnie
What are you talking about? Eh. It’s no wonder I can’t figure you out. The Cold Observer says dames are the only mystery he can’t solve. Now come on! Unlock the car. We’re running out of time – and batteries.
DONNIE runs past Lex to her car.
Rowan
Scuze me, Miss Alexa? Donald forgot his book. And this recorder.
Lex
Oh, thanks. He’s always leaving stuff.
(abruptly, having resolved to ask)
Mr. Rowan, um, do you call women dames?
Rowan
Oh. Oh no. Is Donald still doing that? His mother said she talked to him about it.
Lex
Yes, he is still doing it.
Rowan
He didn’t get it from me. I never say that stuff. When I first started working in Manhattan, at the time, OK, maybe, but not for years. Never around Donnie. It’s from his show. The Cold Observer.
Lex
Oh I know about the show.
Rowan
It’s too old for him.
Lex
The dames thing? Yeah, it’s like from the ‘50s.
Rowan
Not the dame thing. The show. He’s a kid. His mother thinks so too.
Lex
He is a kid. Why doesn’t his mom doesn’t just stop him from watching the show if it’s too inappropriate for him?
Rowan
She couldn’t stop him watching it if she wanted to. It was his father’s favorite. They always watched together.
Lex
Oh.
Rowan
Donald’s father invented the whole detective game. Donald was the assistant. They’d go all around, up and down the sidewalk narrating what they were doing. My sister loved watching them do it.
ROWAN is in his own thoughts and doesn’t really register the next several interjections from Lex.
LEX
Oh. Donnie never talks about-
Rowan
Donnie’s getting old for games, I know, but it’s harmless. Can’t blame a boy wanting there to be more magic and mystery in the world than there is.
Lex
He, uh. He might be right? About the magic.
ROWAN does not catch Lex’s clue. LEX doesn’t feel confident enough in the magic plant to push it.
Rowan
What’s important is Donald never hurts anybody in his game.
DONNIE definitely does hurt people’s feelings in his game.
Lex
Aaah, not physically, no...
Rowan
When I was his age, my friends and I were wrestling, trying to see if the Vulcan Nerve Pinch could really make people pass out. Donald makes up mysteries that he can solve. He’s a good kid.
Lex
Huh. Yeah. Maybe he is. A good kid.
LEX is completely enamored with Rowan’s parenting skills. She wants him to be kind to her too.
Lex (cont’d)
Do you think fantasy-adventure stories are just for kids?
Rowan
Scuze me?
Lex
AH. Nothing.
Donnie
(from the distance)
Lex! We have a dangerous suspect who might have broken out of custody!
ROWAN gives LEX an intrigued look.
Lex
It’s the library. We have to return the book.
Rowan
He better sit in his car seat.
Lex
Did you hear that, Donnie? Your uncle says you have to sit in the car seat.
Donnie
Betrayed! My own flesh and blood!
End of episode.