Donnie and Lex race to the library, but they sure won't be returning any books today.
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his summer nanny set out to play private investigator and instead stumble into a supernatural – and sinister – palm plant.
The finale, episode 5, will come out on Tuesday the 25th.
This is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown:
Find out more about us here.
Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.
Donnie and Lex race to the library, but they sure won't be returning any books today.
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his summer nanny set out to play private investigator and instead stumble into a supernatural – and sinister – palm plant.
The finale, episode 5, will come out on Tuesday the 25th.
This is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown:
Find out more about us here.
Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.
DONALD AUGUST VERSUS THE LAND OF FLOWERS
a fiction comedy podcast by
Emily Donovan and
Benjamin Kerns
EPISODE 4: BIGGER THAN ANY OF US
June 5, 2020
INT. LEX’S CAR EN ROUTE TO LIBRARY – MID-DAY
DONNIE
It was the deepest trouble I had been in in all my years as a private investigator. My season finale perp outside Uncle Rowan’s house was tougher than I thought – and its seed accomplices had me spread thin.
GPS LADY
You will arrive at 1:29 p.m. You are on the fastest route despite unusual traffic.
LEX
There’s always traffic in South Florida, GPS lady. This is the usual traffic. Ugh, I’m just going to silence her.
DONNIE
Lex, can’t we get there any faster?
LEX
We’re on the fastest route despite unusual traffic, Donnie.
DONNIE
There’s no time for unusual traffic!
LEX does not realize that the seeds that DONNIE left at the library and his uncle’s house might be trouble. She is still processing – and starting to get curious and excited about – the plant outside Uncle Rowan’s house.
LEX
I know, isn’t it exciting? I’m kind of getting into this potential mystery. I thought this summer was going to just be another boring summer, but there’s a magic plant. I mean, the plant outside your uncle’s house really did grow four feet in three days. It has to be magic. There’s magic. I didn’t think I would be bummed when your mom said you wanted to spend the morning with your uncle, but then every two minutes I wondered what the plant was doing now. I actually... looked forward to nannying you today. I mean, magic exists.
DONNIE
It’s not a good thing, Lex! There’s a dangerous plant and we’re the only ones who know about it.
LEX
Whoa whoa. So a plant grew weirdly fast. That is weird. “Mysterious,” definitely. Magic, probably. But that doesn’t mean it’s dangerous. Magic isn’t necessarily dangerous, and plants aren’t really dangerous unless you eat the wrong ones.
DONNIE
Maybe outside, they aren’t! But ... imagine... for example... if the magic palm plant was inside. Inside in the middle of a living room.
LEX
But the magic palm plant isn’t in a living room. Right. Donnie?
DONNIE
(kid, genuinely concerned)
Just hypothetically. What if the plant was in someone’s living room?
“Blink blink” from the turn signal as Lex waits to turn.
LEX
If the magically fast-growing plant was somehow in someone’s living room, then it could be dangerous.
DONNIE
Wait, really?
LEX
It would probably destroy the whole house.
DONNIE
And that would be ...
LEX
Bad.
Another “blink blink” from the turn signal as Lex waits to turn.
DONNIE
Bad bad or just a little bad?
LEX
Bad bad! Houses are like people’s number one favorite-slash-biggest possession. If your house gets destroyed by a hurricane, there’s insurance for that. If your house gets broken into, there’s insurance for that. There isn’t insurance for getting booted out by a one-of-a- kind glow-in-the-dark palm plant.
DONNIE
The seeds glow in the dark, not the plant.
LEX
OK, booted out by a one-of-a-kind normal- amount-of-light palm plant. If the plant wasn’t outside, fine, maybe it could be dangerous. We would need to tell an adult and I don’t even know what they would do or if we could get in trouble for not having told them earlier. We definitely wouldn’t just be hanging out and driving to the library to return a book if there was a plant growing indoors somewhere.
DONNIE
Lex? Remember how I told you I left a seed at my uncle’s house?
LEX
No? I remember you trying to give a seed to that girl at the library.
DONNIE
Yeah, Evie too. She dropped it on the ground.
LEX
In the kids’ reading corner. I know, I was there.
DONNIE
Lex... It’s sunny in the kid’s reading corner.
LEX
So what it’s sunny in the kid’s reading corner? It’s not like she dropped it into potting soil.
LEX turns onto the winding road that leads to the parking lot.
DONNIE
That’s the twist, Lex. Don’t you get it? Something happened at Uncle Rowan’s house and I had a flashback sequence and now it’s clear to me that the seeds can root even through cement and in the dark and that means –
Police cars are outside the library. A crowd of people are being held back by caution tape. LEX has not yet seen why the crowd is gathered.
LEX
Um. Was there construction scheduled for the library today?
DONNIE
I don’t know – I can’t use my screen time. Lex, I’m trying to tell you something!
LEX
OooK. There’s a huge crowd outside, and it looks like no one can go in. I don’t know what’s going on, but I think we should come back tomorrow. We should be looking at the magic plant itself today anyway. We can return your book later.
DONNIE
Lex, we’re not here for the book.
LEX finally sees – a giant tree has grown through the building and has pushed through the roof.
LEX
WHOA. What is THAT? That – that’s not... possible...
DONNIE
I’m trying to tell you, the seed that Evie dropped might have–
LEX
Grown inside, pushed through the roof, and destroyed the building?
DONNIE
I can’t see anything from this stupid car seat!
A “slam” of the car door as DONNIE exits.
LEX
Donnie, get back in the car!
EXT. LIBRARY PARKING LOT – MID-DAY
DONNIE is scrambling, excited.
LEX (cont’d)
OK, wow. That’s a big crowd of library-goers. Donnie, no, no running, we’re going in together. And no case notes until we confirm no one is hurt.
DONNIE
Come on, Lex. It’ll help us piece the clues back together later.
LEX
Aaaah... I mean, it does look like another magic plant... We probably should take case notes to give to the adults later. There’s no ambulances, and it looks like the Fire Department is packing up to leave. OK. Do it.
DONNIE
(detective mode)
Street officers with their arms out waved off a crowd of elderly men in newsies caps and women in sunglasses, the last line between sanity and the library.
LEX
Don’t forget about the roof.
DONNIE
(kid)
What about the roof?
LEX
There isn’t a roof.
DONNIE
(detective)
There was no roof. And caution tape partially blocked the entrance.
LEX
No, Donnie – you can’t just walk under the caution tape.
DONNIE
What? The tape is up there, not down here.
LEX
It definitely applies to the three feet below it too. Head in the game, Donnnie. What would the Cold Observer do if he was investigating a crime scene?
DONNIE
What would the Cold Observer do... Quick, what recurring characters or big-name actors are around?
LEX
Uh. If any of these people were at the library when we were here, I don’t remember them. Oh, except there’s the librarian from yesterday.
But he’s on the phone. He looks pretty pissed–I mean busy. Donnie. Why are you stretching?
DONNIE
I’m approaching a potential witness like the Cold Observer would.
LEX
How does the Cold Observer approach witnesses who are busy?
DONNIE
He knocks the nonsense out of them. I’m just a little too short, but I can reach if I do a running jump.
LEX
No you cannot take a running jump and whack the librarian’s phone out of his hands!
DONNIE
How else are we supposed to interview him?
LEX
Oh my god. Come on. We’re going to stand next to him and wait until he notices we want something like normal human children.
DONNIE strides up to the LIBRARIAN, who is Going Through It on the phone with his boss a few yards away from the library-goers. His name tag says his name.
LIBRARIAN
I don’t know what else to tell you, Susan! The weird sprout in the kids’ reading corner shot up all of a sudden and broke through the roof! A structural beam almost crushed the Adult’s Microsoft Office Technology Training class in the multipurpose room. A bunch of firefighters had to run in and carry out half the patrons to get them out before the rest of the roof caved. The cops roped the whole place off. Susan, I am not pranking you.
DONNIE
(clears throat) Stephens.
LIBRARIAN
Oh, great. And now the trash-talking trench coat kid is back.
LEX
Pardon us, Mr. ... Stephens. Did you say a plant appeared in the kids’ reading corner all of a sudden?
LIBRARIAN
Of course a plant didn’t appear all of a sudden. It broke through the subfloor and foundation and rooted in the ground for a day first. THEN it shot up and wrecked the whole building. Kids, I’m in the middle of something.
(back to the phone)
Susan, I agreed to play manager while you were out of town, but plant-wrecked-the-roof is not covered in the handbook. No, what happened was not that somebody brought in a crane and used a
tree as a wrecking ball. A plant grew through the building. I watched the thing bud myself. It is ROOTED in the kids’ reading corner.
DONNIE
This plant... the sprout didn’t... glow in the dark. Did it?
LIBRARIAN
Susan, I’m going to have to call you back. Yes, I know it took you years to save up the PTO for this vacation. NO I DON’T CARE WHAT TIME YOUR RESORT’S HAPPY HOUR STARTS. Bye.
(Inhales)
Eight years. Two years getting my M.L.S., five years working my way up to a good job, and now the whole branch is getting shut down by the state.
LEX
The library is getting shut down by the state?
LIBRARIAN (cont’d)
Do you know how hard it is to find another library job? Librarians stay at their jobs until they DROP DEAD. I made my husband move with me to FLORIDA for this. Not South Beach. Wellington, Florida.
DONNIE
Hey! My mom says Wellington is a great value.
LIBRARIAN
We don’t even drive down to Wilton Manors regularly. We only went twice. Of course a palm tree invaded and destroyed my place of work. I brought this on myself. I moved to the suburbs.
DONNIE
It didn’t “invade.” It was planted.
LEX
Donnie, uh, maybe we should ask the questions instead of–
LIBRARIAN
Planted.
DONNIE
Yeah, planted! Well, dropped. But it didn’t choose your library. Your library wasn’t even its point of origin.
LIBRARIAN
And you would know this because...
DONNIE
We fell for the suspect’s dastardly Act 1 plot.
LIBRARIAN
What. Did you do.
DONNIE
(realizing this man is mad, kid) Um. We... pursued knowledge?
LIBRARIAN
I am about to throw hands with an 11-year-old.
LEX He’s 12.
LIBRARIAN
(joking)
Tell me he’s 18 so I can tell the jury I thought he was an adult.
DONNIE starts walking away.
DONNIE
The old cardigan became agitated when he heard he wasn’t the plant’s ultimate victim. AHEM. Lex. The old cardigan became agitated when
– Lex! Lex, we’re walking away doing case notes. Lex, the P.I. who you’re assisting is walking away to do his case notes. Ugh –
DONNIE runs back to LEX and the LIBRARIAN. LEX continued the interview without him.
LIBRARIAN
Yeah, I said the state was shutting the library down. So what?
LEX
Which part of the state is shutting it down?
LIBRARIAN
(annoyed, looking at his phone) The Florida Department of Environmental Protection.
LEX
So they’re making it a nature preserve?
DONNIE
So what if the Department of Environmental Protection is making the library a nature preserve? Lex, we have a villain to chase down. They can preserve this MINION all they want.
LIBRARIAN
Minion?? This thing wrecked a building, almost crushed a class of elderly people learning how to use Microsoft Word, and RUINED MY LIVELIHOOD
LEX
Donnie, I told you – my aunt works at the Department of Environmental Protection. Mr. Stephens, who else can we talk to who would know what’s going on here?
DONNIE
Why are we still talking to the stinky librarian? I told you – we are doing my case notes.
(detective)
My assistant must have plugged her nose to withstand being in range of the old cardigan’s dragon breath–
LIBRARIAN
This is why I hate kids.
DONNIE
Hey!
LEX
(saying it out of obligation, not because she disagrees)
I don’t know if you can say that.
LIBRARIAN
This 12-year-old thinks that anything he says is cute and fun just because he’s 12. Well let me tell you, kid, if puberty ever catches up with you, you won’t be cute any more. Your butt hairs will be longer than your mustache hairs and everyone will see you for what you really are: mean.
LEX bristles. The LIBRARIAN has taken it too far making fun of puberty, even if he is right about Donnie being mean.
LEX
Hey–
DONNIE
That’s not even true!
LEX
Donnie, let’s just go–
DONNIE
No! You can’t say that to me! Lex, tell him he can’t say that to me!
LEX doesn’t say anything.
DONNIE (cont’d)
Lex, tell him that’s not true! I’m not mean!
LEX takes a knee to try to get real with DONNIE.
LEX
Donnie.
DONNIE realizes something must be wrong.
DONNIE
I’m not mean.
LEX
You called him an old cardigan and told him he was ugly. He was already upset, and you told him that not only did you cause his problem but that you still think he’s stinky even though he is obviously trying a new mint thing.
DONNIE
The mints are too much. It’s not mean to say it’s stinky – it’s just true.
LEX
Do you... really not think you’re not even kind of mean?
DONNIE
He is the mean one.
LIBRARIAN
True things are meaner than untrue things.
DONNIE
Yeah, well, this library is – a corrupt institution! That only serves the needs of the ruling class!
LEX
That is objectively not true. Did Evie tell you that?
DONNIE
No... Evie loves the library.
LIBRARIAN
I would tell you to consider Art Therapy Thursdays at the Library for you to try to process all this, but, y’know. Destroyed by a palm tree. OK, kids.
The LIBRARIAN dials his boss back and walks away.
LIBRARIAN (cont’d)
(in the distance)
Susan? Do not tell me the Wi-Fi is spotty, Susan – I know you can hear me.
LEX
Come on, Donnie.
They don’t talk the whole walk to the car.
DONNIE
(to himself)
I’m not ... mean. I’m not mean. Am I mean?
INT. LEX’S CAR – AFTERNOON
The car unlocks. DONNIE opens his door and buckles himself into the car seat. LEX turns the engine on and starts driving them back to DONNIE’s house.
LEX
What gives, no fuss about the car seat?
GPS LADY
You will arrive at 1:52 p.m. You are on the fastest route.
LEX is trying to process what she just saw with DONNIE, but he is sulking. LEX goes from excited to scared as she talks.
LEX
This is unbelievable. There really is a magic palm plant. It must have really been the seed that Evie dropped. There’s no other explanation. I mean – that’s still hardly an explanation because it doesn’t explain MAGIC, but still. ... And the magic is – bad. Magic destroyed a building. Magic could have killed somebody. We have to tell the adults. We better give them the rest of the seeds in your pocket, too. Donnie? Are you listening to me?
DONNIE
Maybe you should listen to yourself!
LEX
What is that even supposed to mean–
DONNIE
You’re obsessed with your stupid ebooks!
LEX
Hey, you said the Evergrace series sounded cool–
DONNIE
Maybe you hide that you’re on ebooks all the time because you know you should be following orders.
LEX
What – following orders? I was right here, I drove us to the library, I helped with the case notes–
DONNIE
NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF PEOPLE JUST
DID WHAT I SAID. And now I don’t know if I even can sleuth our way out of this.
LEX
HEY, whoa. Donnie. That’s like – I mean. Do what you said – OK, I do other things too, but
I. I, um... Wait, is that your uncle on the sidewalk? I’m going to pull over.
LEX pulls the car over.
LEX (cont’d)
Why is he looking at his house like that?
DONNIE does not respond.
LEX (cont’d)
Donnie? Hello? Something weird is going on. You’re not investigating? What is up with you today–– oh. Donnie, are you crying?
DONNIE
(tearing up)
The Cold Observer never cries.
DONNIE unbuckles. The car door slams.
LEX
Donnie! You left the recorder. Aaah–
LEX picks the recorder up. Trying to be extra nice to Donnie, she does her best to pick up the noir detective monologue. Maybe it will make him happy when he plays it back later. She’s not a natural at it, but she’s making an effort.
Her car door slams after her.
LEX (cont’d)
Donald August was hot on the truth’s tail when his assistant pointed out the bartender was outside his bar. His daring assistant nobly
trotted after her boss as he approached the run-down jo–oh my god.
Then a CRASH.
LEX drops off in surprise and confusion. She gathers herself and tries to document the scene. A bald cypress tree (the seedling that Donnie hid under the couch) just pushed the roof off. Once she gets close enough to notice through the windows, Lex sees that it’s overgrown inside with all kinds of South Florida native flora, especially Spanish moss, wax myrtle.
LEX (cont’d)
The roof just fell. It’s like the library, but worse. This must be our plant again. Oh my god, this must be our fault. You can see through the windows – there’s no home in there. It’s a swamp. There’s a swamp inside of Uncle Rowan’s house. It would take a machete to get through to the bathroom. And of course Donnie is walking right into it. DONNIE! Donnie, step back from the culprit!