2: The Lie-Brary

Donnie and Lex need to study up on the suspicious flora they saw in Uncle Rowan's yard yesterday, but, since Donnie doesn't want to use up his screentime, they'll have to do things the old fashioned way.

Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his summer nanny set out to play private investigator and instead stumble into a supernatural – and sinister – palm plant.

Episode 3 comes out on Thursday, August 13th, and Episode 4 will come out on Tuesday the 18th.

This is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown:

• Starring Dave Cutler (Donnie, Librarian) and Katie Cutler (Lex, Evie)
• Written by Emily Donovan and Benjamin Kerns
• Music by Dylan Burchett

Find out more about us here.

Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.

Transcript

 INT. Donnie’s APARTMENT – morning

DONNIE greets LEX at the door by excitedly replaying the tape from yesterday.

Donnie

Didyougrowtheplantoutside??

Rowan

That depends little man, are you a cop? Ha. Uh. No, no. I don’t think I did.

LEX enters Donnie’s apartment.

Lex

Are we going to be playing detective from the moment I get here in the mornings to the moment I drop you off all summer? 

(to herself) 

Cat is fed, AC is back up to 75.

Donnie

Stop listing chores for a minute! 

Lex

Bed is made?

Donnie

(lying) 

Bed is made.

Lex

Daytime clothes are on?

DONNIE sighs. 

The recording cuts off. It whirs back on. DONNIE is doing his case notes in the living room.

Donnie

It was morning, and the trail was hot.

LEX has finally finished her morning tasks. She enters the living room.

Lex

If you’re hot, stop standing next to the window. Why is the living room so dark?

Donnie

The light filtering in through the blinds helps set the mood. 

LEX pulls out her phone and leans against a wall to continue reading while semi-paying attention to Donnie.

Lex

OoooK. Go ahead. It’s morning, and the trail is hot.

Donnie

(detective)

It was morning, and the trail was hot. Something sinister was growing outside poor Uncle Rowan’s house, and the usual witnesses were too scared to come out.

DONNIE pauses, waiting for LEX to prompt him. When she doesn’t look up from her phone, he prompts her again.

Donnie (cont’d)

(kid) 

Lex. Get off your phone. The usual witnesses were too scared to come out.

Lex

I can listen even if my phone is out!

(stilted, like she’s reading from a script) 

Who are the usual witnesses, Donald August?

Donnie

(detective) 

Shady men with collars so high all you can see is their eyes. Women in low hats outside alone at nighttime. Groups of men who throw dice at the wall over and over. Sometimes they cheer; sometimes they boo. 

Lex

I’ve never seen anyone like that in your condo complex. 

Donnie

You wouldn’t know. You haven’t taken The Investigator’s Oath.

Lex

(lacking the grand intonation) 

The investigator’s oath?

Donnie

I’ve said too much already.

Lex

Donnie, c’mon. You can’t insist on making me play detective with you and then refuse to tell me anything. 

Donnie

(To himself) 

Patience Donald August, she’s only an assistant, just a kid, really. 

(To Lex, kid) 

You can take the assistant’s oath. All you have to do is swear you’ll carry all supplies necessary for investigations. 

Lex

All supplies? So far today, you’ve asked me for cigars and a dog so old it should already be dead.

Donnie

I need a loyal hound to sleep under my desk.

Lex

I am not swearing to get you everything you ask for. 

Donnie

Whatever! 

(detective) 

Lex, I examined the seed suspects at Uncle Rowan’s house and my keen eyes tell me they’re not natural. ... They’re supernatural. 

Lex

Well, they are ...weird. 

Donnie

A glow embraces them in the dark.

Lex

That’s true. And weird. 

(surprising herself) 

And probably, actually worth looking into. My aunt works at the state forest preserve. I can call her if we need an expert witness?

Donnie

Hmmm... while we could use more plant knowledge, I don’t think we should bring anyone older than you into the case. You know how adults are, always ‘you’ll hurt yourself this’ and ‘tax code that.’

LEX laughs. She and DONNIE really could get along well if they were just a little nicer to each other.

Lex

Fair enough, we did say it would be our case – so long as it’s not dangerous. But before we do any mystery solving, I have to ask. What exactly is it that you’ve done to the guest bedroom?

Donnie

(kid) 

It’s stuff from Uncle Rowan.

Lex

Why is there a pile of your uncle’s clothes on the guest bedroom floor?

Donnie

I always put Uncle Rowan’s stuff in the guest bedroom.

(pause while Lex raises an eyebrow, not having to ask out loud)

In case he ever wants to do a sleepover. Uncle Rowan is my best friend, but he says there’s no point in sleeping over since he lives down the street. This stuff is because he said I could try on some of his detective clothes.

Lex

This is a tie with tiny martinis. How is this detective clothes?

Donnie

First of all, the Cold Observer says martinis keep him sane. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. Secondly, Uncle Rowan said this tie was the talk of the office back in the day, and I need to build my reputation. Look, I’ve got a magnifying glass, a hat.

Lex

Is that a trench coat?

Donnie

It’s a detective jacket! I plucked some of the suspects from yesterday and put them in the outside pocket so I can always be reminded of the case.

Lex

Oook.

Donnie

And there’s cigarettes in the inside pocket – just like a real private investigator.

Lex

UH. Does your mom know you have those?

Donnie

(detective) 

Mom is a by-the-book captain with a sharp eye, but not that sharp.

Lex

So you didn’t tell her.

Donnie

(kid) 

It’s an empty box, OK? No cigarettes, just the box. Let me keep it. 

Lex

(seeing an opportunity) 

I won’t tell your mom if you actually do your chores today.

DONNIE sighs.

Donnie

Fine, I’ll pause my case notes. But we better focus and have a real breakthrough when I turn them back on.

The recorder turns off again, then back on.

Lex

Alright, alright. Are you recording now? Should I say it again?

Donnie

Yes, just start again from the beginning for me. Go over every detail.

Lex

(There aren’t that many details) 

There’s an app. It can identify a plant if you take a picture of it.

Donnie

An intriguing idea, but it won’t work.

Lex

Why not?

Donnie

Because an app means a screen and screen time is reserved for only the most important investigations.

Lex

This isn’t a “most important investigation”?

Donnie

No.

Lex

Then what is?

Donnie

(Kid voice, as if to say duh) 

The officially-licensed Cold Observer free-to-play mobile game tie-in. How did people learn things without apps?

Lex

(relieved at the idea of an actual activity) 

There’s always the library! 

Donnie

(detective)

You’re not going to learn anything with your nose stuck in a book.

Lex

Reading is literally how most people learn.

Donnie

The only thing written on the streets is graffiti. And that’s hard to read because of the font.

LEX talks to herself mostly as Donnie watches.

Lex

It would probably take ten minutes to drive to the library, and then another ten for the ride back, which is one twenty-fourth of my shift right there. Since it’s educational we could stay there for as long as you want... Oh my God. That could be the whole day! Donnie, that settles it, we’re going to the library. I don’t think we can solve the mystery if we don’t.

Donnie

Well. I don’t want to use up any screentime, so you’re probably right. But I have one condition that’s gonna make or break this whole library thing. 

Lex

What?

Donnie

I get to wear the trench coat.

Lex

You want to wear the trench coat? It’s almost 90 degrees out.

Donnie

Private investigators only make progress through blood, sweat and tears. And if I have to do one of those three, I feel like my mom would mind sweating the least. 

Lex

Fine. 

(reading from her phone) 

1951 Royal Fern drive. 10 minutes away. Get your boots, Detective Donnie.

Donnie

“Get your boots, Donald August.”

Lex

What?

Donnie

It’s “Donald August.” “Get your boots, Donald August.”

LEX’s good will has been squandered. DONNIE is too obsessed with playing his detective game. LEX reverts to business mode.

Lex

If you’re not ready in 10 minutes, we’re not going.

Donnie

Fiiine. This plant case was so important, we couldn’t let small things stand in our way.

Recording stops and then restarts.

ext. parking lot outside donnie’s apartment – early afternoon

Donnie (cont’d)

(kid) 

But I’m Donald August, not Donnie. 

(detective) 

Field note: Donald August does not need to use a car seat. 

LEX sighs.

Lex 

Donnie, this is why we never drive anywhere. I’m sorry, but these are the rules. If you’re under 4’9”, then you have to ride in a car seat. 

Donnie

Donnie is 4’8” and a half, but I’m Donald August, P.I. extraordinaire! The protector of the innocent! A grown man, who is at the very least

(negotiating) 

5’5”? 

Lex

If Donald August wants to use his assistant’s new driver’s license and go to the library, then he’s going to have to convince Donnie to sit in a car seat.

Car seat clicks into place.

Donnie

(Muttering, kid voice:) 

5’5” isn’t even that much of a stretch. Anyone doing detective work could easily pass as 5’5”. The coat adds at the very least an extra inch. 

Recording ends.

INT. Library – early afternoon

Recording begins again. Donnie is interviewing the librarian. Lex is standing behind Donnie, a bit embarrassed. 

Donnie (cont’d)

Mr. Librarian. Could you repeat that for the record please?

Librarian

(slightly confused, doesn’t hang out with many kids) 

It’s Mr. Stephens. The... record? I mean, sure. If it’s going in the newspaper.

Donnie

(detective) 

Oh no, citizen, this is for justice. I’m a private investigator, the best one this sin city has.

Lex

Oh, I looked it up last night. Wellington is a village. 

DONNIE gives LEX a look.

Lex (cont’d)

The Cold Observer wouldn’t be inaccurate when he advertised his services.

DONNIE sighs and turns back to the Librarian. 

Donnie

The best private investigator this sin village has.

Librarian

A private investigator? Are you doing research for a case, Mr. ...?

DONNIE clears his throat.

Donnie

Focus, Stephens. Plants. What do you know about plants?

Librarian

What do I know about plants?

Donnie

Evil plants.

Lex

He means palm plants... sir. Maybe native Florida plants that are ...unique.

Librarian

... Section 580, next to the kids reading corner. 

Donnie

Thanks, Doc.

Librarian

(making a rare effort to get into the kid thing, trying to do a mobster voice) 

You keep ya head about you, detective. You never know what ya might learn in these books.
 
 

Donnie

So I left the old cardigan to tend to his “books.”

DONNIE says “books” with disdain, like the librarian was a junkie he had interviewed down by the docks.

Librarian

Oh...

Donnie

If this part of town was half as tough on P.I.s as the librarian was tough on the eyes, I’d need to keep my head down and my nose pinched. P.U.

Librarian

Hey!

Lex

(Whispering like What the fuck!) 

Donnie! 

DONNIE is in his own world and does not notice that everyone is mad at him.

Donnie

Time was of the essence. I had wheeled and dealed with a librarian who smelled like the underbelly of town had left as much of a mark on him as he had on it.

LEX feels awkward but doesn’t think it’s her place to scold Donnie, definitely not in public. DONNIE is leading them to the kids’ reading corner.

Lex

He probably just had onions for lunch. You can’t run in a library!

Donnie

You said you’d play until 3 and it’s only 1. Ooh, Lex. There’s this great bench in the kids’ reading corner. It’s shaped like a train. We can pretend like I went for a walk by the tracks to think over my big case.

LEX just wants to read her ebook in peace. That was the whole plan.

Lex

You want to pick up a book and read it quietly to yourself in the kids reading corner? Yes. Absolutely. 

Donnie

Here we go. Section 580. 

Lex

Here you go. This looks like the book you want. Florida Native Plants.

DONNIE takes the book.

Lex (cont’d)

Oh no. Someone is already sitting on your train bench. And she’s... also wearing a costume.

Donnie

There’s someone already on my train bench? 

(Pause) 

Oh no. 

DONNIE clears his throat, puts his detective face on.

Donnie (cont’d)

I saw her, and I knew I had found trouble. She wore a lab coat, not nearly as respectable of coat as a Detective’s duster. Her hair was not too long but not too short either. Medium long. I would know that medium long hair anywhere. It was Evelyn alright. 

Lex

(whispering) 

Donnie, that little girl is wearing science lab goggles.

Donnie

She’s a scientist today. Which might be to our advantage. When she’s playing politics, things tend to get complicated fast.

Lex

Do you know this girl, Donnie?

Donnie

She goes to my school. She’s always playing either scientist or third woman president.

Lex

Did you say third woman president?

Donnie

Yeah, she says that if by the time she’s old enough to be president that if there haven’t already been at least two other woman presidents, that the country is doomed and she wouldn’t want to lead it anyway.

Lex

Oh. Why don’t you ask her for help with the case? And I can sit quietly nearby and let you two play together- I mean, collaborate.

Donnie

Evie says that detectives are dumb because the police is a corrupt institution that “only serves the needs of the ruling class.” I tried to explain that the Cold Observer is a private investigator, but she said that’s even worse because the “presence of a privatized police force” only “further showcases” how “the state” has “failed to protect the citizenry.”

A pause. It sounds to LEX like Evie is exactly enough of a brick wall to keep Donnie occupied.

Donnie (cont’d)

Sometimes it’s hard to play with her.

Lex

Give it a shot, bud. You have to put yourself out there to make friends.

DONNIE gives LEX a look.

Lex (cont’d)

I mean... colleagues. Friend-colleagues.

DONNIE sighs and clears his voice. He approaches Evelyn as if they are two professionals consulting.

Donnie

Ma’am?

Evelyn

Donnie August Mund. Still playing P.I., I see. By now I thought you’d move onto something more respectable. Wanna be a graduate student listening intently to a tenured professor? 

Donnie

“Professor” Evie, hm? I will listen – if you’re going to tell me something about plants. And if you can let me have the train bench.

Evelyn

I got here first.

Donnie

FINE. I’ll take the stupid normal brown bench. But you’d better lead me to a breakthrough in my big palm plant case.

Evelyn

Eugh, Donnie. It never works out when we want to play different games at the same time.

Donnie

I’m not just playing Cold Observer this time. I actually do need to learn about plants. My summer nanny will tell you it’s true.

A pause. LEX has been reading her ebook. She looks up when she feels everyone looking at her.

Lex

What? Huh?

Donnie

Never mind. She’s always swiping.

Evelyn

I thought you had to be in college to swipe.

Donnie

Evie. The plants.

LEX goes back to reading her ebook.

Evelyn

A plant case, you said? How fortuitous. Lucky for you, Donald August. Today, I’m refreshing myself on a classic: The Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben. Trees talk to each other through a network of underground mushrooms. Their decisions indicate an intelligence at least on par with insect colonies.

Donnie

Trees are smart, hm?

Evelyn

... Yes. And this field of study has implications for all sorts of plants. If trees talk with each other, any other sort of plant might have communication abilities.

Donnie

If normal plants are smart, I must have a genius on my hands. An evil genius. Professor Evelyn, I brought a sample for you to study.

Evelyn

You’ve grown a statistically significant plant? 

Donnie

You don’t grow evil. Evil grows on you.

Evelyn

You must have conducted a study to test your hypothesis. Perhaps you’d like me to peer review your research?

Donnie

Peer review? Lady – uh, Professor Evie, this is a season finale perp. It’s not waiting around for a peer review. 

Evelyn

You’re not waiting around for a peer review? What kind of a graduate student are you? 

Donnie

I’m not concerned with research. I’m concerned with truth and justice.

Evelyn

Justice? In the cutthroat world of indigenous plants? You think the strangler fig has anything to do with justice? 

EVELYN laughs to herself.

Evelyn (cont’d)

You would never cut it as a scholar.

Donnie

Hey! This suspect doesn’t play by the rules. It can grow 4 inches in one blink. Just look at this seed. It glows in the dark.

DONNIE takes a seed out of his pocket and attempts to hand it to Evelyn.

LEX looks up from her ebook, sees what’s going on, and whispers to Donnie.

Lex

Whoa, Donnie, how many of those seeds are in your pocket? Should you be handing those out? 

Donnie

(Oblivious to potential danger) 

We need as many kid experts on this as we can get. 

Evelyn

Very good Donnie. You are correct in assuming that what you are holding is, in fact, a seed.

Donnie

But not just any seed! A seed that doesn’t care for common decency! A seed... of evil! C’mon Evie. You should study it. At least hold onto it for me for a little while.

Evelyn

If I do, will you leave me alone?

Donnie

I swear. I’ll leave you alone if you hold onto it for a little while.

Evelyn

Fine. Give it here.

DONNIE gives her the seed. 

EVELYN holds it for just a moment and then –– drops it to the ground.

Donnie

Hey! You said you’d hold onto it.

Evelyn

I did. Just for “a little while,” like you asked.

Donnie

Why would you just drop it? I told you it’s an evil genius seed! You might have played right into its hands! 

Evelyn

Call my lawyer if you have to, Donald August. You know I don’t talk to cops.

Lex

Oooookay. Donnie, say goodbye. 

Donnie

... Goodbye.

Lex

Don’t you want to look for the suspect Evie dropped before we go?

Donnie

No, it’s just one seed. It could have rolled anywhere. I’ve got plenty more in my pocket. Let’s just go.

LEX and DONNIE leave the kids’ reading corner.

Donnie (cont’d)

Evie completely underestimated my detective skills.

Lex

It’s not fun when people make you play a game you don’t want to play, huh?

Donnie

(snapping back into character almost defensively) 

Yeah, well, she fell right into my trap. No thanks to you.

Lex

What do you mean?

Donnie

Lex! You were just swiping your phone the entire time we were talking. You were reading on the job! I need you to step in when things get dicey, and there were moments when that conversation felt like a game of craps!

Lex

Sorry bud. She really got to you, didn’t she?

Donnie

I–uh–no! I just... What were you reading, that was so important you couldn’t focus on the case?

Lex

Okay. I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell anyone else, you understand?

Donnie

(identity as child showing) 

Who would I tell?

Lex

Okay. Fine. It’s a... “young adult” book. The third in the Evergrace series. It’s like about the aftermath of climate change and how centaurs are dealing with it! But it’s really this girl who survives the end of the world, and how she helps magic come back to the world. It’s sort of embarrassing. 

Donnie

What? That sounds awesome! 

Lex

This doesn’t sound lame to you? The kids at my school think reading YA is lame.

Donnie

Why would it be lame? 

Lex

Thanks, Donnie. So you said that Evie fell into your trap?

Donnie

Yeah she did. She has no idea how much a clue she let slip back there. The plants can talk, Lex! They can plan! And this book – Florida Native Plants – will show us who’s behind it. Hurry up so we can check out! We’ve got an evil genius plant to identify.

DONNIE and LEX exit the library.